Coming Out Needs to Change

Coming-out: The disclosure of someone’s sexual orientation or gender identity

I’m just going to be honest and say it: we need to change coming-out stories in media. Now, I know many people see stories stories as essential given the current political environment that we are living in. But when looking back at films such as Love, Simon and Happiest Season, it feels as if we harken back to a time when same-sex marriages wasn’t legalized and coming-out was only considered “wholesome” if you were a white cisgender man, woman, or couple. But to me that’s the problem. Coming-out stories aren’t just a one-and-done-deal. It is a constant process that is both incredibly personal and can happen at any age. Coming-out stories rarely cater to a diverse queer audience which can lead to alienation. This alienation for queer audiences can be seen in the movie Love, Simon.

Love, Simon, released in 2018, is about a gay teenager named Simon Spier played by straight actor Nick Robinson who enters an online relationship with the anonymous “Blue.” Simon’s coming-out narrative involves coming out to his liberal, progressive parents, as well as coming out to everyone at his school after one of Simon’s classmates outs him. But the problem with this film is that Simon portrays masculinity that is straight-passing and is considered “normal” when it caters to audience members who are more comfortable with traditional masculine gender roles. Love, Simon is steeped in this idea that queerness can only be accepted if it conforms to certain clear-cut hetero-normative roles that do not offend those who have traditional views of sexuality.

The movie however differs from the book. Love, Simon is an adaptation of the book Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli. The title itself is a critique of the phrase “Gay Agenda” and it comes from a scene where Simon is talking to Blue and Blue references the “homosexual agenda.”- Simon then jokingly refers to the gay agenda as the “Homo Sapiens Agenda,” asking why queer people have to come out when straight people don’t with a movie scene showing his friends coming-out as straight. While this scene is satirically taking down the negative term used by anti-gay activists, there is, however, one scene in the film where I find Love, Simon to be frustrating and incredibly disturbing because of its poor handling of Simon being forced out of the closet. In one scene where Simon confronts his friends about his forced outing, Simon’s friends are angry with him instead of Martin, the antagonist of the film. They are angry with Simon for his actions which include trying to get Abby to go out with Martin instead of Nick, and Simon not realizing that Leah was in love with him. The worst part was that his friends blamed him instead of comforting him after being outed to the whole school resulting in Simon being isolated without any sort of consultation or help. This would lead to some arguing that there are better movies that deal with this more thoroughly.

But when looking at other media, like Happiest Season, they sometimes don’t stick the landing.

Happiest Season, released in 2020, is a holiday rom-com where Kristen Stewart plays Abby, who dates Mackenzie Davis’s Harper. Abby and Harper are a lesbian couple who must pretend that they are “friends” to appease Harper’s conservative family. This leads to several Christmastime hijinks that cause Harper to come out to her family. Yet there is a severe issue with this film. In the movie, Harper forces Abby to pretend to be straight for the rest of her family because her father is running for mayor as a conservative candidate, leading Harper to keep her sexuality in the closet. This is a major issue that even Princess Weekes, a YouTube essayist, has talked about in her video essay. Coming out, according to Princess Weekes, is extremely relatable and a queer touchstone, but is also a queer anxiety to come out of the closet with Harper’s reason for not coming out because of conservative politics.

She explains this saying, “It is one thing to not come out to your parents and wanting to stay in the closet for your sense of peace and security, not everyone gets to come out, not everyone gets the opportunity to come out and honestly not everyone is entitled to know everything about your own queer experiences, but how you treat your partner when you bring them to those environments matters.”

Harper forces Abby into the same closet with her, thus suffocating Abby in a toxic environment that doesn’t allow Abby to be her queer self. While this is something that happens to queer people, what Happiest Season does poorly is how it portrays someone in the closet. Abby seems okay with the situation and goes along with it. An out and proud individual would likely not agree to do this, and the conflict arises from Harper hiding her queer identity and forcing Abby to hide her identity as well to appease Harper’s conservative family.

I am disgruntled by Happiest Season as it sells the message that if you come out to your loved ones, even if you know they have views that are against queer individuals, you will still be loved. Sometimes coming out can end in rejection and Happiest Season favors an unrealistic message over a nuanced depiction of coming-out.

While Happiest Season has its flaws, the 2020’s Love, Simon’s spin-off Love, Victor does so much better.

A great improvement on depicting themes of authenticity and queer self-expression with more complex narratives, Love, Victor, focuses on the titular Victor Salazar another character played by a straight actor. Which leads to another problematic case of casting a cisgender heterosexual actor playing a queer character. But, despite the show’s flaws it slowly matures into something more. Love, Victor delves into serious topics in Season 1 such as adultery, alcoholism, and sexual exploration. In addition, the story also focuses on both race and class and their impact on someone’s coming out process while including the portrayal of Victor’s religious parents coming to terms with their son’s sexuality.

Love, Victor allows itself to be messy it adds more realism to its story as many queer individuals understand that queerness isn’t easily acceptable. Love, Victor shows that coming-out narratives can be more complicated, dynamic, and even relatable, especially to those who don’t have the typical coming-out narrative as shown in Love, Simon. This is particular noticeable when Victor’s family reacts to Victor’s coming out (which is shown off-screen). This is what makes this coming-out scene different. The family’s reaction to Victor’s sexuality illustrates an air of uncertainty, something that many queer individuals experience when coming out for the first time.

For Love, Simon, the family's acceptance of Simon's queerness is a grand speech about freedom of expression and self-acceptance. But this is not what happens in the real world. There are no grand speeches or emotional resolutions. There’s uncertainty, dread, and anguish. Love, Victor ends with a cliffhanger in Season 1 for a reason, because we the viewers don’t know what is going to happen or what will happen. This dose of realism helps viewers understand Victor’s anxiety, pressure, and stress over coming out making it more relatable in this case than in Love, Simon.

Coming-out narratives need a change, and we are seeing that in other shows such as Heartstopper.

The 2022 Netflix series Heartstopper (a show based on a popular webcomic of the same name by Alice Oseman) not only has great queer representation, but also has a refreshing spin on the coming-out narrative showing that coming out never ends. There are several narratives in Heartstopper, one focusing on the main protagonist Charlie Spring who is openly gay but has to deal with bullies and a new crush. However his narrative leads to positive character development. In addition the show includes more queer characters whose stories are equally as important as Charlie’s. For example, Elle Argent, a transgender girl faces the obstacles of traditional gender ideology in an all-girls school that creates an environment of isolation and otherness. This leads to her overcoming her school’s transphobic environment.

Lastly, we are introduced to a lesbian couple named Tara and Darcy as they navigate their relationship as it goes public. However, the character arc of Ben, Charlie’s ex focuses on the repression of his sexuality and how it affects his relationship with Charlie. While Ben’s fear of coming out is sympathetic, he face’s no consequences of his abusive actions towards Charlie. Resulting in Ben being a one-dimensional antagonist with no further character development or redeeming qualities in Heartstopper.

But despite the flaws of Heartstopper it does prevail with its themes of authenticity and self-expression.

These different coming-out narratives are not perfect however. But, they do leave room for more improvement and change. The messier, complex, dynamic these stories are, the more relatable these stories become to the viewers who watch these characters. Either people will accept you, reject you, or abuse you for being queer. However, coming out is a queer experience that can be dramatic, hilarious, or freeing.

The point of these coming-out narratives is to create reliability and awareness that all queer individuals go through with their community, with their families, and the world. It’s about the authenticity and the bravery it takes to come out to a world that might accept or reject you. Coming out can take many forms and many scenarios and while imperfect, can be better, adapt and change. Sometimes there doesn’t need to be a grand speech or gesture that says, “I’m here and I’m queer.” It can be silent, loud, or even no words at all.

Coming out is an exploration and testament to one’s acceptance of their identity. While messy it is essential to be authentic when telling these stories. The stories behind coming-out need to be various representation for each queer individual, regardless of race, class, gender, or binary. The reason that coming-out stories need to change is to have more narratives that are nuanced and are not catered to a straight audience. If coming-out stories like Love, Simon cater to straight audiences for the sake of comfort, then they are not helping queer audiences at all. Instead they alienate the latter by creating a dissonance that subscribes to the norms and expectations of a hetero-normative society. This is needs to change, not only for queer stories but for representation and diversity for all general audiences.